After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
