I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
