someone owes me an orgasm
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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