Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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