At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
