theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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