I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
