If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize