I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
