so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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