apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
