Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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