A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
