i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
