My hand turned me down
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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