We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
