What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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