Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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