things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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