We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
