You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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