Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize