I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
