Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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