There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
40s are totally the cure
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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