I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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