Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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