Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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