What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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