shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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