I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
