I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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