My friends, they love my intelligence
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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