I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize