tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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