i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
