in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
