3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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