I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
