we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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