Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
