I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
