there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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