Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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