I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
