I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
