i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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