He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize