I haven't been this sober since birth.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
