you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
