Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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