I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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