you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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