I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
