hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
