my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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