so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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