The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
