Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
