i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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