piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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