I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
