final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize