Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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