My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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