best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
